Waiting for the other shoe to drop

When you have a string of good days it can get kind of eerie. I literally have anxiety waiting for my anxiety to return. I'm so afraid of what situation I might have to face next. Will I have the right tools? Will I remember to use the tools? What if I freak out? What if I land right back where I was? It's can be really scary. I keep trying to stay present, be mindful, keep doing the work. I am connecting with all these other people struggling with BPD and it helps to know there's so many others out there going through stuff just like me. But when I feel so grounded and well, good, still there's a part of me that's just cynically waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I could shake this feeling. If you have any suggestions I would love some help. Thanks!

What am I doing now?

Mindfulness is hard. My mind is a jerk and that's putting it super mildly. But that's only when it's trying to punish me. Bouncing around up there are millions of toxic thoughts mixed with loads of other awesome stuff; but I can't always access the awesome stuff and am left sifting through all the awful shit.

So that's what I'm doing now. I'm trying to reprogram this thing so I can be in control 100% of the time. So I can file away all the awful shit and just run the functioning programs; and maybe even find some new software along the way that will help. 

That's where DBT comes into play. 

I have to learn how to deal with the bad days when the bad thoughts take over and I can't access the good. I have to learn how to use the DBT skills when all I can seem to open are these old corrupt files loaded with junk that fills me with pain. DBT skills can help.
"Mindfulness is the underpinning of DBT."
"It’s like a muscle- you have to train it"
"Train your brain to shut up."
Try this
https://youtu.be/Hw7rmdITCFs

How I got here

I've spent way too long in psycho mode. I've spent too much time desperately seeking validation, ruining relationship after relationship, engaging in the most ignominious self-destructive behaviors, and spiraling completely out of control. I keep falling into these patterns time and time again. 

I have tried talk therapy, EMDR, group therapy, anger management, AA, faith-based help, exercise, reinventing myself over and over. Meanwhile, I have built this seemingly wonderful life. On the outside it would appear that I have it all together. Still, in spite of everything, suicidal thoughts come second nature. I can't seem to go a few days without having an emotional breakdown. 

So here I am, trying something new. DBT does seem to be helping. I really wish there was an easier  fix, but I suppose a labotomy is out of the question. 

This is what it looks like when you're trying, and you've been trying, BUT you're still struggling to heal

It looks like I'm just tired.

It looks like being alone is the safest bet.

It looks like confusion.

It looks like searching for answers is what got me here in the first place.

It looks like the thoughts are back.

It looks like they won't ever understand.

It looks like pushing away people is easier than letting them in.

It looks like I should probably be distracting myself.

It looks like lack of motivation.

It looks like I'm saying stuff I don't mean again.

It looks like two steps forward twenty steps back.

It looks like I just  need to get out.

It looks like it's got me this far.

It looks like maybe it's not as bad as I think.

It looks like I guess I can keep going.

It looks like trying.

This is what it looks like when you stop trying to self-diagnose and finally start healing through DBT...

It looks like going through my DBT Workbook and actually doing the work.

It looks like staying calm instead of screaming and cursing.

It looks like not lashing out.

It looks like coming to terms with the fact that it may be BPD or C-PTSD or both or neither.

It looks like wanting a change so much I'm willing to try anything.

It looks like healing by learning new ways to cope.

It looks like happiness gained from learning better ways to cope.

It looks like I might actually be able to get a grip on my emotions, sometimes.

It looks like being easier on myself is paying off.

It looks like I don't have to have all the answers all at once.

It looks like putting the past in the past and leaving it there.

It looks like maybe I'm not a total jerkface after all.

It looks like I can be happy.